Things I Never Thought I’d Say

Image by PencilParker

Hello, and welcome to Piper’s Paraphrases! I’m Professor Pipes, a high school English and theater teacher, but when Covid hit, I decided to take on a new role: YouTuber.  At first it began with just some videos on Romeo and Juliet, since I figured they would be helpful for my students, who were suddenly stuck reading Shakespeare remotely -- no one’s first choice.  However, I quickly fell down the rabbit hole and started making lots of videos on all sorts of English related topics, like rhetoric, poetry, and how to kill mockingbirds. Oh wait, scratch that last one. 

Now that I’ve delved this far into online education, I figured I might as well start a blog, too, offering advice, discussing lessons, and chatting to the perhaps empty void about the life of an average teacher.  

I figured I’d start off with a list I’ve been compiling over the last few years of things I didn’t think  I’d ever say while teaching, and directing, high school students, but did.  There’s a story behind all of them, but what’s the fun in that? 
Without further ado, Things I Never Thought I’d Have to Say as a High School Teacher:

• Stop the harmonica

• Stop licking her

• Stop talking about sugar

• Stop beating people with a ruler

• Stop signing, “nudes” 

• Stop the kazoo! I already warned you, kazoo group!

• Let’s stop attacking each other with umbrellas

• Don’t put more things in your mouth

• Don’t caress the cow 

• Don’t use my post-its to summon the devil

• Don’t cut people with your nails

• Don’t stab her; we need to continue reading

• Please don’t chop each other’s heads off in my classroom

• No, you can’t really smell eyes

• No! No more water on my floor

• No, don’t buy a tiger

• Do your work guys. No punching

• Get your feet off each other

• Put the broom away, and I don’t want to see it again

• Take pictures of your stools

• This is not water balloon fight land

• Clean up your pagan altar, please

And finally, 

• OPRAH!!

But while I could never have expected to say any of that, I also could never have expected what teaching, or my kids, would be like.